Got yourself in a pickle?

I remember as a college Sophomore in 1979  sitting in an accounting class thinking “is this REALLY what I want to do” for the rest of my life. While I knew following the footsteps of my dad as an accountant could certainly bring a financially stable life, was a job customarily routine and mundane fitting with my personality type? I decided it was not and switched to the poverty path Criminal Justice studies curriculum.

Looking back, no regrets– while never wealthy, every day arriving to a job whether it was working probation, detention or the past 20 years in 911, has been unique and potentially filled with a surprise. I liken it to the Chief Designer at Cracker Jacks. From being there for the Columbine High School tragedy to the report of an “under-groomed poodle”, I thought I had heard the entire spectrum of 911 calls. I was wrong.

Recently, a frantic male called about a rather peculiar situation he had encountered with the love of his life at 2 in the morning. Fortunately, (for him) he reached a stoic 911 call-taker who processed this call with utmost professionalism (unlike some of us .

Before you listen, I have one question– what has been the most embarrassing moment of your life?Now that you have your answer stored in the brains’ cavity, take notice of this situation and see how yours would rank against theirs– listen here !

As a result of this call, we have had to make some policy revisions as to the specific interview questions:

1. Is it a slice, spear or original?
2. Sweet, dill or kosher?
3. Did you confuse Heinz with Hiney?
4. Were you an active or passive participant?
5. Would you like our 800# for embarrassment counseling?
6. Is she familiar with the Lamaze breathing technique?
7. No health insurance?– we suggest the home remedy of a bowl of pinto beans and a carbonated beverage– wait 4 hours and clear the immediate area of humans and pets.
8. Do you own a pair of kitchen tongs?
9. Do you own a cork screw?
10. Sir, that is not how you make jalapenos!

Douglas Englebart, a great American inventor, once said– “The rate at which a person matures is directly proportionate to the embarrassment he can tolerate”.I would say this caller has fully matured.

Til next time…

Christmas 2009

Wow, my balls have certainly changed over the past year…went from snow to golf! Picture of us in the front 40…

Austin and I in a bit of wiffle ball competition..if I told you who won, I would be bragging....

Nothing spells Texas like a flagpin made up of a garden shovel and a Lone Star napkin!

If anyone is missing a terrorist, Achmed the college kid lives with us...

Sister-in-law struggles with her eggnog addiction...

14 yr old deaf guard dog is unaware a Longhorn is strapped to her neck..

Teri's folks...I don't insult the elders (but the beard has to go

Dan and Kelli and their 2 princesses...

My flight attendant apprentice---hard to believe it's been almost 2.5 weeks since we flew down!

Teri's brother and fam....

16 folks at our place today for lunch, including our best friends from CO. who just moved down here a month ago..

We showed great restraint not to touch any of the desserts..or something..

We closed the gate on everyone after a few hours....actually, Santa brought us our first barn star...It has been a wonderful time and a ton accomplished during my 18 day stay---back to cold country tomorrow evening!

Starting the 24th…

The 23rd Wedding Anniversary does not have any traditional materials or symbols associated with it. So Teri and I decided our theme would be “food”. We are such well known foodies that we are well on the way to becoming fatties.

Enjoy the photos of the daytime San Antonio Riverwalk as well as night and our view atop the 26th floor of our hotel. We took the scenic route home through the Hill Country of Texas. As I eclipse 50, I am becoming more aware of abandoning Interstate travel for 2 lane highways, not to mention those are the locales where you will find the best food. Chicken fried steak was at an 80 year old diner in a small town that was overflowing with folks. And yes, all of the food you see is for ONE PERSON as we decided to split an entree so we could enjoy the best homemade coconut cream pie you can imagine.

Back to the exercise program (in 10 days)..in the interim, enjoying Santa physique…

Project Manager…

Arrived here a week ago with 47 items on my To Do list–what else are Christmas vacations for? The biggest agenda items (equals most expensive) were to re-do our pier and beam foundation which was determined essentially to have been initally done by a panhandler who held up the “I will work for beer” cardboard sign.

Simultaneously, we are re doing the laundry room which needed to have new plumbing and floor to make it up to ‘our code’ standards. We also are having new gutters mounted on Monday since this house never has had any and water accumulation around the base of a home is never a good thing (unless you like mildew and the such).

This is how you enter below the house into the crawlspace. Seriously, I may have fit when I was in the 5th grade. So, I hired Cheech and Chong to make entry and do the foundation work.

Cheech and Chong also dug a hole from the outside to insert the new beam and the cement piers.

And because I love holes in the floor as it adds to the character of a country home, we cut out a second one. If you enlarge the photo, you will see one of the brand new cement piers (beyond exciting photography, huh?)

The second hole is actually the laundry room where we are correcting what the contractor said was the worst he had ever seen. Lovely..

For our 23rd anniversary which we celebrate Sunday, wife asked for some indoor plumbing..happy to oblige as I want to make it another 23 years..

Nothing brings colorful Christmas country charm like having your washer and dryer in the living room…just need to fire up the fireplace to bring real ambiance…

In reality, this is pretty much my only role in this project…

Pummeled..

Well, the game was not for the faint of heart– 2:30pm kick off temp of 94 degrees, almost cloudless and not a breeze. Sunscreen and cold beverages were the essentials. Texas pummels Univ of Tx-El Paso, 64-7. And, the score wasn’t that close, seriously.

Teri and my last date before I return to work tomorrow and it was great to  have Austin join us. A sea of burnt orange with attendance at 100, 200–yes, ONE HUNDRED THOUSAND at a college football game. And, it was great to have George Strait in attendance with us. All complimented by the largest video screen, outside of the new Cowboys Stadium, in football.

Enjoy the photos….

Semper Fi!

How about hearing a Town Hall discussion straight from a Marine, one of the great military folks who are entrusted to lay their life on the line to protect our freedom and liberty. While he defends them, our “President on training wheels” tries to strip them.

My favorite part Rep. Baird stating ““I didn’t call you brownshirts, but I apologized for it”

Huh? I’ve never quite understood someone who apologizes for something they claim not to have done.

The Happs…

Well, three weeks from today, the Penske 22 footer will be pulling into our new residence just north of Austin, TX. A 90 day rental agreement was signed at a brand new complex just about 10 minutes from Teri’s parents.  This will give us time to decide on career locations and systematically search for our final resting place. It is a bit weird thinking “this might the place where we die” when you are deciding on homesteads, what is that all about?

We are allowing 2 days for the 1,100 mile journey and are not absolutely sure of the travel arrangements.  Teri could be up in the cab with Shelly and I if her car is sold before Labor Day. We listed it on Thursday to give us a couple weeks to move it. If unsold, she will follow behind the big yellow box.

The dog that won’t die . Fourteen years old in a couple months–I guess “98 canine years  is the new 70 years”. Me thinkey she needs to meet Michael Jackson’s doctor. Just trying to figure out how we arrange the fat dog and her round cushion onto the truck’s narrow bench seat. It might be a very, very long ride.

Cam is all settled into his new job as Flight Coordinator for Mountain Aviation at the same airport he has had 2 other jobs. It is a great gig! Half of his job is coordinating ‘organ donation’ flights as they have  a contract for a four state region and the other half is arranging for high end clients to fly to all points around the world using their fleet of aircraft. Cam finished his internship with Frontier airlines last week and was awarded 4 round trip passes for working with them this Summer. Him and his girlfriend used 2 passes on Wednesday when they flew to Las Vegas and stayed at the MGM and went to the amazing Cirque du Soleil. as a way to end his busy, busy Summer. He starts his senior year in college on Tuesday.

Teri and I went up there today and he toured us around their gorgeous facility.

Austin is doing well living with grandparents in Texas anxiously awaiting his parents to arrive where he will join us until he finds employment and can get his own pad. We are sure he misses chores and taking care of the dog, so glad we will be able to help him feel better about those areas of his life. He starts school his college freshman year in 10 days.

While Texas has melted this Summer, Denver has had one of its nicest ever. I think we are shooting for  78 today, even unheard of here. I wouldn’t be shocked if we touch upper 40s here.

Work is work. From the archives of the moronic and insane we have the following gems over the past couple of weeks:

Caller (night-time): I need to report a suspicious vehicle that just zoomed away from the area, I am not sure what they were up to.

911: What direction did the car leave?

Caller: It’s dark, I am not sure, but it headed toward the moon.

911: Toooowwwward the moon??? Would that be north, south, east of west?

Caller: I am not sure- I am from Australia and we don’t have directions down there.

*********

Paramedic dispatch: Can we help you sir?

Caller: Yes, I need an ambulance for myself.

Paramedic dispatch: What’s the problem sir?

Caller: I have stomach pain and am bleeding from my stomach.

Paramedic dispatch: Bleeding from your stomach-have you had surgery recently?

Caller: Well–kind of– I did it to myself with a butcher knife.

1st arriving officer: Can you step up paramedic response–he is holding his innards in his hands.

I am so blessed each day to come home from work to my normal family….

Til next time..

Horsey, come with me!

After a 60 hour 911 work week, it is hard to decipher this week’s most charming call, but I have determined a winner.

Ever have a bad day wondering why you were in an extended relationship? Your thoughts of revenge may have included canceling movie night, perhaps making him sleep single in a double bed or maybe even the dreaded “you make dinner yourself” punishment. Let me describe an idea that came to a woman’s imagination this week in which, of course, she acted on.

Again, I am describing a relationship in which the other half of this world lives, unfortunately I speak with them for a living. I present to you a 43 year old woman who is 15 miles away stewing in her own shack about the treatment by her baby’s daddy who resides in the city where I work. Perhaps she is perturbed because she lost her job sweeping floors at Fantastic Sams or maybe the mister in her life has misplaced the 2-1 Taco Bell coupon or Obama’s promised new car has not shown up at the doorstep–whatever the cause, the anger is raging. It is fueled by the significant intake of barley flavored cold beverages.

When the alcohol content exceeds the hemoglobin blood count, she takes a gander out the front porch where she sees her stallion enjoying a nice Colorado afternoon. In her intoxicated state, she backs up the horse trailer and heads west 15 miles to seek revenge. She safely arrives to Mr. Charming’s house where she is greeted at the front door by him. He clearly states his displeasure with her wobbly state and asks her to leave. She returns to the truck and he enters back into his homestead.

When he is clearly out of sight, she decides to unload the horse from the trailer and sneaks him around to the back door of the house. Unbeknown to the soon to be ex-lover, she opens the door and parades the equine inside the house and let’s go of  his tether and she exits.  The horse explores his new well decorated barn and turns the corner only to be greeted by the family rottweiler. Result–absolute mayhem inside the residence! Plan from her view point has been perfectly executed!

The neighbors confused by naying, barking and a male yelling immediately call 911. We arrive expeditiously to discover the Mrs. Charming passed out in the front yard. When we ask her to stand up, she attempts to. As the officers place the chrome jewelry around her wrists, what do you think she does—think horse—-she K I C K S the officer. Stop restraints are quickly placed on her feet and she is escorted off to jail amidst several felony charges. It takes over 2 hours to coordinate the safe transport of the horse off the property to a local fairgrounds where he is returned to familiar surroundings.

Although the relationship has now concluded, she now has established the high mark on the “Jerk, I’ll Show You!” meter…..

Bach-ing it has its privileges…

In 23 years of marriage, we can only recall one other time we were apart for a 2 week period, and that was probably 16 years ago. Another ’1st’ was Teri, until 10 days ago, had never spent herself totally alone in our house– e v a h! She is a bit of a fraidy-cat, especially with our handicapped dog, but she survived just fine on 2 hours sleep.  She is now house hunting in Texas and getting our nearly 18 year old ready for college years.

She has left me in charge of the 963 square foot castle. While I am overwhelmingly bored and lonely for the most part, I have discovered bach-ing it does come with a few rewards….

My own menu planning! Grocery bill would have been much less if the dog didn’t go through the cookies and hair gel so darn fast…

A NEW permanent position for the toilet lid..is that a crack in the ceramic or a hair? Me hoping it’s a crack….

Sorting is WAY over-rated….

FOX news, all the time….

Wife’s trick on husband, discovered at 8 p.m….fyi, paper towels don’t flush well…

Someone who probably isn’t missing the matriarch of the house..she is hoping by covering her face she will go undiscovered…

See ya in 6 days honey…I promise to vacuum the bed…

Final Independence Day…

With the path this political administration is taking us on, I thought I would head out to our town fireworks show to enjoy our last Independence Day. Perfect night with temps in the 60s, nice and cool weather for the 4th.

Next year….Dependence Day

1) Dependent on a teleprompter
2) Dependent on foreign oil
3) Dependent on handouts and pork
4) Dependent on the money printing press
5) Dependent on the Chinese loan machine
6) Dependent on Czars to control industry
7) Dependent on a single payer health care system
8 ) Dependent on contrived and staged town halls
9) Dependent on the Main Stream Media
10)Dependent on narcissism

and that’s the short list..

..maybe next year North Korea will supply the fireworks…

CHAINS you can depend on….